Hello Stranger...

SEE!

2009-08-18T13:25:16Z

you(2) wouldnt be a problem if you still talked to me like this

itgoesahhhh (2:57:46 AM): by sleep i mean think about u till i pass out

ughhhhhhh
why did you have to lose that in you
the part of you that made me fall hard

the part when you use to care to impress me
I WANT THAT BACK

dust_to_dawn @ 2008-11-11T01:19:00

2008-11-11T09:24:42Z

i made a MISTAKE
it doesnt define me ... it cant
im not that girl
and im sorry
you're an asshole for telling her when you knew i was oging to
now i look shady
and lost her even more

most importantly i lost you.... the boy for 2 years who loved me more than himself

i made a mistake!
im not perfect
and i owed up to it and told you both
i cant change what i did
i cant go back as much as i wish i could
i lost myself and turned into a backstabbing cheater
i just had to get wasted
it just had to be ur ex
i dont even remeber it.... but it's something ill never forget

at least you john can forgive me
and see that its not who i am
its not who i am
and you can take me back
cause you can see how sorry i am and how much i love you
i dont deserve you

you on the otherhand
wont even listen.... i dont blame you
u were a friend
and i was the opposite
i dont knwo what HE told oyu
im sure something to make you jealous
but i wish you would hear me out
IT MEANT NOTHING
I WAS WASTED
I STOPPED
AND I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU
but it doesnt change the fact that it happened
i hope you see how sorry i am and how stupid i was

i cant even sleep at night

dust_to_dawn @ 2008-07-25T01:05:00

2008-07-25T08:07:45Z

Im laying on my bed
the phone is under my head
and it just keeps ringing
i hold the pillow down
to try to stop the sound
but it just keeps ringing

i know its you on the other side
coming up with some other lie
but im not gonna buy it this time

why should i answer
im not urs to call
stop trying to reach me
i dont care at all
this is all your fault
you pushed me away
there is nothing left now
to get me to stay

i miss you abuelito

2008-05-27T06:27:51Z

i miss you so much
sometimes i just cry thinking about you
you just pop into my head and everytime it hurts to remember ill never see you again
i miss you lighting up the room making everyone around you remember how to live
you never wasted anytime on feeling anything but happy all the time
and i admire that
i miss the way you sound
i miss your hugs
i miss the way i would lay next to you and you would rub my cheeks with the palm of your hand
i miss playing cards with you
i miss talking to you
i miss your smile
i miss your cute little clothes you would always wear
you would always be so dressed up everyday
i miss you glasses
i miss rubbing your head
it was so hard to go to Peru and you not being there to get me
you the one person that would always ask when i would go
and finally i go to but to your funeral
i didnt want to go because i knew i wouldnt see you i knew you were gone and i didnt want that
that has never happen to me before... a death
why
why didnt i spend more time with you last summer when you were here
why was i so selfish to be with friends or my boyfriend instead of you
im so sorry
im so sorry i didnt spend more time with you and it hurts me so much to know i never will again
if only i knew
i remember so many good times and never once was there anything otehr than a good time with me or with anyone you shared
you were amazing
and no one could ever shine as strong as you did
i miss calling you
i miss you calling me my precious little girl
i miss raising my voice so that you could hear me
i miss letting you win over and over again at games to see you get excited
i miss having a grandpa
im so sorry i didnt spend more time with you
(even though i know you would never want me to apologize)
but im so sorry and ill always regret it
i try to remember not to waste my time again
like i did with you abuelito
to my family... but i still do
i dont want to regret something like that again
i try to stop being mean to my dad
i try playing with my sister
talking to my mom
staying at home
for only a week then i go back to wasting time alway form my family
help me remember not to do that again
because the pain it causes
the pain i feel because of the extra time we could have had together if i wasnt so selfish it kills
dont waste time
you never know when someone will leave
and even though you left me in january
it still feels like you left me yesterday
because no one can take that place from you
no one can fill the hole that missing the happiest you would bring
even from miles and miles away
you always reminded me to be happy
im so sorry
i just miss you so much
and normally you come and visit this time of the year
but you wont be getting off the plane this time... or ever again
i hope you can hear me
i love you
i miss you so much
im so sorry
i wish you didnt go
but im glad it was without any suffering you deserve that
thank you for leaving that way
thank you God (or whoever is up there) for that
...
until we meet again
...
I love you grandpa forever
te quiero mucho abuelito para siempre

sd

2008-05-21T06:18:09Z

i need to get my shit together
past, present, and future
what do i want..
why am i jealous?

decide.

...single

2007-12-07T00:14:19Z

i feel... rejected
you left me
a year and a half... and you gave up before a chance
you said goodbye...
as if i didnt mean anything as if this relationship was nothing
at first i coudlnt believe you
no one could
going from happy to this... in one day
then i felt angry
how coudl you throw this away
throw me away
you did exactly what i asked you not to do
stay with em to break up with me a week later
then hurt
what am i goign to do now?
you were my life... you were everything
i gave everything to you
i dont even know who i am now
i dont even know how to live
then.. i... changed everything
single erased ...
i just cant belive you doing this...
i dont understand
i did nothing infact i did everything rigth and you agreed
but how can i convince you to stay when you dont want to...
a year and half... gone in a second
for not a good enough reason... not to me
i dont know what will happen now...
i cant promise i do
hopefully you know what ur doing... what you did
goodbye...
a year and half...
goodbye
the first boy i ever loved
goodbye
my future
goodbye
my time
goodbye

so sorry

2007-10-11T05:19:56Z

"im sorry"
you're always sorry
those words have no meaning anymore
they are routine
they are consisted
you always apologize for what?
for you to do something again
for you to do the same thing again
how can i believe what you say when you are constantly saying sorry
"dont be mad"
what now im overacting?
well how would you like it if i mess you over and over again and i just say sorry
and do it again
would you believe me?
sorry means nothing i have grown so sick of hearing those words from you
because nothing changes
and yet you tell me im overreacting?
i dont care what you did
its the fact that you did it
after saying sorry before
many times and saying sorry again
how about "i messed up"
how about "it'll never happen again"
no more sorrys form you, because to be honest i don't know when to believe them
today i was so excited to see you after not having you for days
of course you dont embrace me the way i image you would
as if you havent seen me for days
yet it was a normal hello
we have an amazing night tho
and you just messed it up
understand
you are lying to me everytime you say sorry
because you never back it up
i hate liars
and i hate when you lie
especially you
goodnight

starlight and sunsets

2007-09-28T23:22:52Z

so even though you planned the day
you still asked me "what shoudl we do"
which bugged me a little but then i was ok
we went to the movies
and then to our new spot
i loved when you said that
"this will be our secret"
finally something new from you
after how long has it been since you've surprised me
it was beautiful and we were alone finally after so long
i loved it there i didnt want to leave
although i wish you were more serious at times
especially when you say certain things to me
and at times i feel you treat me liek a friend
whcih is fine but i prefer girlfriend better
by the things you say or act
well lets see how long it takes you next time to think of something
and hopefully i wont have to say anything for oyu to do something
but thats the thing
you dont have to drive miles and miles to make me happy
the smallest thing can do that
but i dont think u've figured that out
and im kind of tired of saying things
since i only feel you do things cause i get upset
i wish you would do things more often... doesnt have to be big...
there are so many things i miss from you... the things you use to do
but i wont tell you what... cause then its just em telling you what to do
maybe u'll figure it out... maybe you won't
regardless i know i expect alot from you and im sorry
but its hard not to especially since you treated me so special when we first started dating
but i just after 13 months i dont have to be treated that way to knwo you love me... and i do
its just nice to feel that way...
but yesterday was fun
i just wish we would have stayed longer
at our new secret place :)

oh and by the way i love you
</br>
MUSE was amazing September 21
i hope you enjoyed the concert
irvine and i had a good time
especially when our song played and i got to be with you listening to him sing. just liek journey def leppard. I love seeing you smile. I love to make you happy
and i loveddddd that night :)
in conclusion
i love spending time alone with you

"Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms "

what a happy birthday.....

2007-08-30T07:17:15Z

and this is what happens when you hold things in

im sick
im sick of being sick
im sick of having to catch your attention
im sick of you ignoring me
im sick of living here
im tired of all of it

im aksing for ur help ur not listening
im aksing for your opinion ur not listening

you dont know me anymore

im asking you to be my parent

im sick of you gving me crap when i ask for money
im sick of always having to ask you to buy food and still have nothing
im sick of pretend im tough when im not
im sick of being told what to do

im sick fo growing up
im tired of it all
im tired
im done

and i dont wanna leave this weekend
and i hate not havign days with you
and i hate when im mean to you
when i know i am but i cant help it cause i cant forgive you
cause you say things and dont do it
cause you wanna help when i want you to listen
im sick of being a differebt person with you
im sick of feeling we are different
im sick of especting so much out of you
im tired
im tired of thinking
im tired of pushing you away

im tired of everything

dust_to_dawn @ 2007-08-16T23:27:00

2007-08-17T06:37:54Z

13 months
i finally feel things are going the way they should be
not about us but about me
i feel normal now
but more than that i feel sure
there r times though
where i feel you're not the same
but its impossible and i'll have to face that
im sorry that i get that upset
im sorry i ask you to do stupid little things
i mean little things are not that important right? (wrong)
little things are huge
but i understand
other than that
and the occasional bad thoughts
or those implied on me
everything is good
i don't really have much to say
im extremely tired yet cant sleep
and havent slept for the past... 5 days?
i cant sleep with so much in my head
from you to me to life
i dont have that much space to fit it all
i feel like.... time is slowwwww
but if i think about things its like
where did it all go?
how quickly things happen when you dont realize
and that time is coming
when everyone leaves
and all i have is you
like it use to be
i hate those times
i hate saying goodbye (see you soon)
i hate growing up

dust_to_dawn @ 2007-07-27T13:04:00

2007-07-27T20:04:34Z

you're an asshole

standing out on my doorstep

2007-07-08T09:06:28Z

2 more days
in 2 days it will be a year
one whole year
being with you
isnt that crazy
only cause it doesnt feel that long
one year
i hope the next couple go by just as fast

p.s i miss my doorstep <3

time to grow up

2007-07-03T06:17:19Z

so where do i start
hi its summer
and i hate change
yea those summer nights i couldnt wait for
they don't exist
and those wild adventures i wanted
none of those either
we all gotta face it eventually
we can never get what we want all the time
and it was hard very hard at first
cause in the back of my mind i kept thinking
you promised
you promised me it would be different in summer
silly of me to think you can make that promise
no one can see the future
but you know what i am getting use to it
i just wish we can runaway for a whole day without thinking
but everything has to be planned
and i only get one day a week for all day moments...
summer is suppose to be summer!
summer fun crazy nights
not summer planned out same old days...
and you're not there when i wish were
and we can't be spontaneous
like we use to
i still see you everyday which should make me happy
and it does
but imagine everyday being every night being a new adventure
i need that
i miss that
its who i am
i am spontaneous
and now
im routine...
but hey next week
:) i hope youre up for it since another big blowww to this
is youre tired out easily and yea it makes me sad sometimes
but everything lately has been good
but its never going to be like last summer
were everyday was a surprise
and you know how i love those surprises...
and miss them....
i hope next week will be what i imagine
i hope things will change
but i love you
and ill have to accept it all
even if i hate it

by the way
i hope youre proud
of how well im taking it
and i hope you know
i love you forever

so you might be wondering

2007-04-17T09:30:27Z

how things are now?
after a week of hell
well......

its fantastic :)
i cant sleep
i miss you
and i get to see you tomorrow hopefully laying next to me when i wake up
just like this morning
disneyland this weekend :) i can't wait to see the fireworks!
just liek old times :)
i can't wait for summer
beach nights
goign into the ocean
sunsets
third street was amazing
i felt the way i use to
i had butterflies after so long
i needed that after a week of hell
i want to go back .....
its been awhile since we have been alone
and i miss that but i know just two more days until A time
lets runaway
for the whole day :)
and take billons of picture... cause it makes me happy
to see how happy we are
9 months
3 more and its a year
crazy to think it went by fast
i hope the next two go by faster
that is if ur still with me
which i have a feelin.... you will :)
i liek surprises
and you coming into my room every morning waking me up...
its liek a surprise every morning :)
i can't wait to see you later today... if i ever sleep
i love us
i love how we r together
i love acting like kids at the park today
and i secretly like when u show up to my work..
because then i get to see u afterwards:)
i miss you
and disneyland!!!!!!!!!!! saturday
fireworks
chicken tenders
we need to make a mark somewhere just like third street :D
:D
very very
:D

:( i dont know what to do

2007-04-03T04:18:12Z

i dont know what iw ant anymore
and its really scaring me
my head is saying one thing
but im feeling the opposite
and its so hard when bad keep happening
or things are just not right
like feeling that ur different
feeling i shouldnt be with you
thinking im bad for oyu
saturday...
having people sya im gonna end it
with this in my head its hard not to manipulate myself into thinking i dont like you
and its scary when i think like that because i knwo it not true
i know i do i know i love you i knwo you love me
and so i feel liek such a bad person to think the way i do
but its hard not to
especially when recently it seems liek i am
i just dont feel special anymore
i dont why i dont why im so emotional
i just like i dont know
i mean i cant explain when i say you acted differently that oen night
that i felt you werent affectionate
i know we r both tired and im sick
which makes it that much harder not to think that you are losing interest
i feel like you dont like me or im not good enough
i know its not true
and i knwo u'll blame urself for the way i feel
but its not you
i guess just lil things that has happened recently
like saturday
like having to hear from people (not recently) that i am ending it
like not feeling liek theres a spark anymore
i dont know what to do to stop feeling this way
i feel like such a bad person
and i know im not
and i know you are telling em everything
when we are lying face to face
and you tell em how much i mean to you
i know you do
but for some reason
i feel liek ur goign to leave me
im not okay
i thought i was but im not
i hate having those thoughts in my head
because sometimes i make myself beleive them
and i actually ask myself
do i want to be with you
yes i do
i knwo i do
forever
which makes me feel even worse about myself
to have such thoughts when you never do
i hate crying
i hate feeling this way
becuase i know i dont have to
but i put myself down
i dont want to think anymore
i think this week will make this all better
cause we'll finally get to be togtehr alone
and actually go out places alone
and just liek ebfore the feelings went away
i just miss feeling special
i know i am to you i know
but i miss feeling it
not feeling loved casue i feel that
feeling special
like i use to feel
before all this crap happened
(that night, saturday, and sunday)
for some reason i feel liek i have to tell you to do things inorder for you to do it
liek at bjs that night
when i said "you use to do things like that to me"
and then you did but i stopped you
cause i dont want to have to say it for you do be affectionate
im sure im blowing things out of proportions
cause im sick and your exhausted
but i feel so much better now that i said all this
at leats i stopped crying...

im

2007-03-20T07:07:14Z

stuck

dust_to_dawn @ 2007-03-06T00:56:00

2007-03-06T09:00:42Z

and i guess thats why i was emotionally
i thought
do i make you happy
afraid that maybe my love for you was slipping
thinking maybe you deserve better
but after getting off the phone with you
(which made me think of old times)
i know i love you more than anyone could ever possibly love you
and no matter how many times my head plays its tricks
i know
how much i love you
how happy you make me
how lucky i am to be with you

im happy i make you happy
im happy you love me back
im happy you wanna be with me forever
im happy
im happy
im happy
as the smile on my face gets bigger....
im happy
and i love you

:D

2007-02-27T06:59:14Z

I LOVE MY FRIENDS

BUT ESPECIALLY
I LOVE YOU

for everything you do for me.
for being in my life
for making me so happy

:(

2007-02-15T07:59:14Z

friday
dont come
cuz if do that means i have to leave
for 4 days without you
and i cant handle that
maybe i am a lil afraid of how i will feel after being away from you
since we're with eachotehr everyday
i dont wnat it to be like it was before
but i know it wont
i just dont wanna gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
i really reallly reallly dont

;D

2007-01-29T07:43:23Z

im so happy
he can bring me to tears anyday (happy ones)
talking about hwo it all started
the first i love yous
the first dates
the first kiss
it bring me to tears just to think how lucky i am
how much i love you
i never wanna lose you
but if i do
i can alwasy think about what we have
you mean everything to me
and i want to be with you for the rest of my life
tonight when u talked about our first date
even re-acted it
by whispering the same words in my ear
the ones i forgot
"i love you...shh dont say anything"
big brigth smile
tears down my cheeks
you make me so happy
i dont knwo what i would do without you
and i never want to have to be without you
i hope i can spend the rest of my life with you
becuase you john
are perfect

i love you

dust_to_dawn @ 2007-01-08T02:41:00

2007-01-08T10:45:19Z

what if
what if
what if
what if
im scared you'll get bored
leave me someone new
someone better prettier nicer etc
do something wrong
what about me?
what if
what if
what if
what if
i do everything wrong
i cant promise and neither can you
whats gonna happen
i dont know until it does
all i keep thinking is
its getting so good
and the better it gets
the worst its gonna be
when the bad comes its gonna be huge
cause of all the good we have now
i hate not knowing
and i wish i could stay with you forever
cause thats what i want
how long
how long
how long
........

so i hope that everything will be ok

2006-12-14T08:48:01Z

you blow things out of porportion he says
and i know i do
do you think i could ever do that he says
no i dont
then again i never pictured u lying either
even if it was little and it was for my own good
u lied
not a big deal
but then my head starts spinning
could you be lying about everything?
how could i do that he says
i dont know someone has before
someone i thought to be my bestfriend
so i guess its possible
but i know better than that
to think you would lie to me
but there it was in my head
"everything he has ever said to you is a lie"
what can i say i cant help myself from thinking
its what i do best
i couldnt hide it anymore
you knew something was bothering me
the tears didnt help me out
i could tell you were nervous
but you got it out of me
i dont know what are you lying about i say
everything could be a lie and i wouldnt know
but i know ur telling the truth
i can see it in ur eyes
which was another thing that scared me cuz i couldnt see it for awhile
but i saw it tonight
i saw how much i mean to you through your eyes
and i know everything will be ok
everything will be ok....

i wish you were here

2006-12-09T09:50:07Z

im sitting here
you just left
and im thinking
you mean everything to me
you pretty much are my life
and i couldnt live without you
which scares me a little
ok maybe alot
cuz when i think about it
you're my best friend
my only friend really
since no one is around
i never wanna lose that
or you
you dont understand how much you mean to me
probably never will
e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g
yes you are
and i love you

i wish you were here

just like you promised

2006-11-11T11:17:26Z

i saw it in your eyes tonight
which made me happy
very happy
i wish you could have stayed
i love falling asleep with you laying right next to me
i need you
and thats why im urs for the weekend
thursday...
friday.....
saturday....
and
sunday...
i miss you
come back
and hold me again
one day...
see you tomorrow love
how do you do it?
make me feel liek i do?

dust_to_dawn @ 2006-11-10T02:39:00

2006-11-10T09:39:38Z

yesterday was weird
felt like i havent seen you in a long time
felt like one of the many first
i dunno why but it did
and today
at the game i was fine
when we got back i was fine
but for some reason rigth before u left
laying next to you
looking in ur eyes
i didnt feel anything....
nothing
i didnt feel anything from you
which scared me
alot
normally i can see i can see how much i mean to you
tonight i dunno y but i didnt see it
but then you said i love you probably sensing something was wrong
and i said it back
and i know i mean it
but why do i play games with ymself
trying to convince myself otherwise
and when you left
yea i almosted cried
i couldnt help but feeling like you were leaving me
for some reason i felt that
and i cnat help but to worry that you will
altho i knwo you wont
but... i dunno its what i felt
i felt like you were gone
and thats why i didnt wnat to let you go
dont ask me why i get like this
the only thing running in my head was do you love me
will you stay
how long
and i guess these words got to me at the end
manipulating me
i know ill see you tomorrow
and i know i wont feel the same
its just weird
not seeing you for awhile then seeing you again
its like i dunno what to do
last time i saw you things were pretty heavy
really heavy
and now its like the beginning
but thats probably my fault
since im the one with all these moods
whats wrong with me
im scared
thats whats wrong
im scared .....really scared